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We were on a ship, somewhere on the Rhine going through Germany, talking
one evening with a video-maker doing a documentary. He was watching couples
dance. Older couples, many with more than 50 years of marriage to their
credit. They were doing the steps, still having fun. |
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The video-maker was in his 30’s, marveling. “It’s inspiring,” he said,
“to think that after 50 years couples can still enjoy one another. I’ve
been married for 10 years. I hope I can be like that 40 years from now.” |
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That gave me a thought which I stored while Jean and I danced one of the
“slow ones” like we did in olden times. The thought was about giving about-to-be-married
couples a way of seeing the real meaning of wedding vows. (You see, I’m
always working my profession!) |
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Do they have a clue about “for better for worse?” Could they live through
“richer for poorer?” Do they have a love that can handle “in sickness and
health?” Not to mention, “Until death us do part.” |
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So, I propose some live experiences for observation and heartfelt discussion.
You could probably think of others. |
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A cruise up the Rhine with all those older folks would be unlikely. Perhaps,
however, a couple-to-be could look in on a Senior Center dance. The problem
there, of course, is that many that attend are widowed. Not an inspiring
scene. But somewhere you can find long-time married folks still on their
feet and enjoying each other. |
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Every time I go to the clinic, or call at the hospital, I see older couples
accompanying one another to their health appointments. These folks are
tender, concerned and caring. Marriage includes whatever comes. I would
encourage young couples to spend some time at the hospital waiting room,
or the waiting room outside any of the specialties at the clinic. They
will see marriage at work. The last time I was at the clinic I passed a
couple just leaving following an appointment. She was steadying him on
the arm that wasn’t using the cane. They were talking and clearly valuing
their companionship. |
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Another place I might suggest for a visit is a public health clinic for
less affluent people. Sometimes you will see couples with small children.
More often you will see single women with children. You wonder whether
there is a viable marriage in that situation. Poverty is often a result
of a marriage disconnection. Women and children are most likely sufferers.
I believe that marriage is instituted primarily to guarantee some security
for children. Sometimes, however, drugs or alcohol or personality
disorder screws things up. More often it’s some variety of selfishness
A visit to such a clinic might add meaning to the commitment vows. |
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Our cruise group included a couple from New York. He was a retired professor.
His wife had some kind of dementia, probably Alzheimer’s. She never said
a word. They held hands almost constantly. He was attentive to her and
she was clearly happy and at peace in his presence. She often smiled and
was especially responsive to music. She probably didn’t know where in the
world she was, but she knew she was with him. That’s all that mattered.
The thing I would like to point out to young couples is love that continues
through hard difficulty. They were travelers of the world. They were travelers
for life. |
I don’t suppose young couples want to think about aging. But I would hope
they might think about the kind of love and commitment involved in growing
old together. And I would hope they might discover a depth of companionship
that is not diminished, but rather strengthened, by the sharing of all
aspects of life. The spoken vow says:
“I take you,
for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, to
love and to cherish, so long as we both shall live.”
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That’s a big time promise. It’s not easy, but it’s no excuse for not trying.
—
Art Morgan, June 2000
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