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This is not, alas, about the insect kind of fly. It is about the zipper
kind. |
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Every man has fly stories. Some have phobias. Everyone knows what
it means when someone says, “Your barn door is open.” |
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It happens. |
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In the clergy business there are similar worries and jokes. Like
explaining why clergy wear robes. Or the last word to the groomsmen
before heading on stage for the wedding: “Check your fly.” Everyone
laughs, but does a zipper check anyway. (I wonder whether women clergy
offer this final kind word?) |
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On with my latest story. |
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The memorial service was about to begin. The preliminary music was already
started. I checked in to the men's room for “a final.” All set, except
the zipper came apart. I was agap. I laughed, but only briefly and not
loudly. I peered out the door and spied the funeral director coming out
of a back room. |
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“I have an emergency.” |
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He was hearing the last notes of the preliminary music. His eyes went big
and his face white. We ducked into the room where ministers are supposed
to pray and gather themselves prior to services. |
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“My zipper broke. I need a pin or something.” |
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I figured that funeral directors had experience putting people together.
I hoped for a straight pin, or better, a safety pin. I feared a thumbtack.
He thought he could find one. I dared not ask where he looked. |
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He came back with safety pins that I went about installing in place of
the busted zipper. (Try installing a safety pin on the inside of your trousers
while wearing them!) Fortunately, my stomach still has some suck
in it. I made a pretty good emergency fix, if I do say so myself. |
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I made my entrance, no one the wiser, although I suspected the funeral
director was chuckling it up with his staff in the front office while I
led the service. |
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I was tempted to tell the folks what had just happened. The subject
of the day was a gentleman widely known in local theater. Those folks have
fly stories too. They understand such foibles, failures and phobias. I
was afraid I might draw attention away from the event of the day, so passed
an opportunity to give folks something to remember of what I said. |
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The fix was so good that I attended the reception at the home as well as
a lecture on campus following. |
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When I got home to tell Jean, she laughed at my situation and marveled
at my successful solution to a difficult situation. |
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There should probably be some moral or word of theological significance
in this. I would welcome suggestions. |
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It did occur to me that some of the most interesting things that happen
in church, and weddings and funerals go unseen. Sometimes the best part
of the service goes on before it happens. |
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The truth is that a fatal fly was never my main phobia or nightmare about
getting up to speak. My fear was of having nothing to say. There's
no safety pin to fix that. Fortunately, most of our fears never happen. |
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Oh, about Thanksgiving. I'm going to be thankful for safety pins!
—
Art
Morgan, Nov. 15, 1999
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